Locked Out

My roommate is a very security conscious guy. For instance, he always locks the doors. I was very thankful for that the night I was shocked awake by hammering on my front door and a male voice yelling that he was being robbed. I was grateful to know that that door was bolted shut. I was safe inside. I know my roomie created the locking habit for the the benefit of both of us, but I have been on the other side of it one too many times.

The most recent time, I didn’t have my phone on me and banging on all the doors and jet spraying the windows wasn’t getting his attention. It was after I blasted my car horn that I started to lose it. We live on a busy intersection and when I got out of the car, and saw some walkers going by, I instantly felt really unsafe. My final effort felt humiliating as I was in my pjs at the side of the road, collecting rocks to throw over the porch roof to his second story window. I would have thrown a brick and smashed the window at that point I was so freaked out.

I absolutely know that creating a sense of security for ourselves and our loved ones is a practical and emotional imperative. We come into the world  screaming to get our needs met. The questions are lifelong after that; where should I work, what’s there to eat, where do I sleep, who can I trust? A strong sense of insecurity definitely made me look and act like a crazy lady. Honestly, that is not the first time and probably won’t be the last.

I generally feel haunted by trying to create security in a practical sense and feel secure in an emotional sense. Since our world and our experiences are chock full of destabilizing factors, and we start off screaming… I submit, insecurity is the norm.  Unquestioningly, we long for things, but don’t actually know what will or will not make us content until after the fact.  If we do know what we want and achieve it, it can easily be taken away; whether it is financial, relational, or health related. The question looms, “If there is no permanent security, but I innately desire it, how do I live?”

I adore the simplified advice I have come across and shared online. “Get used to relaxing in the midst of chaos,” says the wise Pema Chodron. Picasso says, “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” I have currently whittled my own life goals down to, “Die trying,” because I get so lost in the details.

Like most of life, I gather that everyone has to figure out what ways speak to them. One thing I have discovered that has helped me the most is to challenge my thoughts on what security really looks like. Ok fine, I have had some really dumb ideas buried in my psyche that told me that admitting to being scared, or anxious or uncertain were somehow wrong.   Seems I was thinking that hiding  my insecurity would make me secure.   I know I wasn’t born with a Teflon covering and have no idea where I got the idea that I had to pretend that I was.  I once believed that security meant I wound never mess up, or be scared, or feel sad, or get hurt, or lose, or have to go without.  What the hell?  That has never been a norm for anyone.

I have had to ask myself, what level of security is really possible?  Besides practicing feeling insecure as a norm,  I’m still working on my own definition which includes  paying attention to the habits I think make me secure, but don’t actually work.  Just like my roomie found out what doesn’t work, once he saw my face when he finally opened that door.