Moments

I went to a new-to-me workout class.  It’s called Pitayo. A mix of Pilates, Tai Chi and Yoga. Apparently a local from Fredericksburg, VA developed it and it has spread internationally. One of the slogans on the website says; “Be more than a human being, be a human becoming.” (see: Pitayo)

I had been telling a friend prior to the class that I have been feeling so strung out lately. I think I memed it. Something to the effect of, “I just don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I feel I truly deserve!” Meaning, I’ve been plenty busy. Checking things off the list of “must get done.” Then moving on to the next thing. I’m having great success and they are necessary items but, man, are there a lot of them. There is not much time or energy for fun or crafty pursuits in the meantime.

After this class, I was so relaxed. It was actually a strange feeling after being on the go. Go. Go. The class was fun and it was energetic. But it was so relaxing that my mind drifted to that place of human vulnerability that I usually stay away from. The one where I tend to ask myself who I am and why I don’t really feel any joy from checking those necessary things off the list? It’s the same inner space that reminds me that at my core I’m a huge well of need.  I mean, come on, humans are miracles of life but we are so…breakable.  We are born in need and dependence.  We grow and gain skills and wisdom, yet foundationally are needful creatures.  Most of us that are aware of this take on a supportive role for others.  Some go into the helping fields.  When I’m honest with myself, I’m just giving words to what I need.  Encouragement, love, appreciation, joie de vivre.   We can be tough, sure, and “stay strong” when push comes to shove.   It’s more likely our way of giving the world what we need for our wells of need than any badassery on our part.

A person of faith such as myself fills that empty well first with the idea that I am inherently the beloved creation of God. That fills the aching space in that well.  The one that asks, “Do I matter?” and ” Is my life valuable even if I never complete those lists?” Many in the faith will tell you, it is a true thing!  I matter because I was created for such a time as this.  Truly though, it’s a thing you take on faith, if at all. On spiritual matters, there is no certainty.

I love the guys in the group Brandnew because they put words to the questions that most people of faith either don’t talk about or assume they have the solid answers for.   This one caught my ear the other day.

“Well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die,
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart?
’cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.”

On the other hand, some may have the view stated so eloquently by Generation Xer, Troy Dyer. He’s a character played by Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. It was a cult film from 1994. He said:

“There’s no point to any of this. It’s just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good. The sky about 10 minutes before it starts to rain. The moments where your laughter becomes a cackle, and I sit back and smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.”  That’s where he was as a 20-something and, like I said, concerning spiritual matters, who knows what is really true? The God I see in the creation is not offended by opinions and questions.

We over thinking types have a harder time relaxing into our days than some.  Personally, I’m stellar at distracting myself when I’m not able to relax.  A book, a tv show, or a project usually fills my down time.  But I liked the relaxation. I’m glad I went to the class and will return. I think it will wear me out next time when I know the moves. But I’ll try to relax as well.   Try to let the awareness of my natural state lead me instead of scare me.  I hope it will enable me to be intentional about who I am, during the checklisting part of life.  One of my buddies calls me a “romantic realist.” A chick stuck between the reality right in front of my face and a desire for a meaningful life in the midst of it.  I think both are possible.

Bono describes it for me well,
“I’m just trying to find a decent melody. A song that I can sing in my own company…”